Despite differences in the degree of ritual observance, all Jewish
funerals share certain basic characteristics that stem from our
common belief in the sanctity of all human life. Because a Jewish
funeral has profound religious significance, Jewish funerals avoid
ostentation; family and visitors reflect in dress and deportment
the solemnity of the occasion; embalming and viewing are avoided;
music and flowers are rarely used. Jewish Law is therefore concerned
with the immediacy of burial and the natural decomposition of
the body. Mausoleums are forbidden since they retard the process
of return to the earth. Cremation is certainly forbidden. The
only acceptable burial is directly in the ground, with family
members and friends helping to fill the grave, the final Mitzvah.
Traditional Jewish funerals involve certain ritual observances
including:
• Taharah-" Taharah-The body of the deceased
is washed thoroughly by members of a sacred burial society (Chevra
Kadisha), which will prepare the body for burial. Men prepare
men and women prepare women. They wash the body with warm water
from head to foot and, although they may turn the body as necessary
to clean it entirely, including all orifices, they never place
it face down. Prayers and psalms are recited during the washing.
• Tachrichim-The deceased is buried wearing
a simple white shroud to avoid distinguishing between rich and
poor. Men are buried with their prayer shawls (tallism), which
are rendered unusable by cutting off one of the fringes.
• Oron-Tradition calls for the casket to
be simple; to be made of wood with no nails or other metal parts;
and to have several holes in the bottom to allow the body's natural
return to dust.
• Shemira-As a sign of respect, the body
is guarded or watched from the moment of death until after burial.
A family member, a Chevra Kadisha member, or a Shomer arranged
by the funeral chapel recites psalms (Tehillim) while watching
over the deceased.
• K'reeah-The rending of the mourners'
outer garments, a symbol of their anguish and grief. The Rabbinic
Assembly Law Committee decided that a black ribbon can become
part of the garment and is torn if the family does not wish to
tear their own clothing.
Most or all of these practices may be incorporated into any funeral
out of respect for the beliefs of the deceased even though the
surviving members of the family are less rigorous in their personal
religious observances.
Jewish funerals conducted by more liberal Jewish denominations
may differ in one or more respects from the foregoing traditional
rituals. For example, some Reform movements do not object to cremation.
Other less traditional practices include, burial in the deceased's
own clothing, burial in a mausoleum and a more elaborate funeral
service including the use of music.
Shiva Customs and Etiquette
Funerals and the Shiva period (the week
following burial) are times that we mark with friends and relatives
with the same commitment and closeness that we share at times
of celebration. While our intentions are to console or comfort
our bereaved friends or relatives, it sometimes is difficult
to know the best way to do this. Here are a few suggestions.
The Funeral
The funeral service serves as the foundation on which the process
of mourning is built.
Recognizing the importance of the mourners to be surrounded
by family and friends, Jewish tradition deems attending both
the funeral and burial services to be a mitzvah, a religious
obligation.
The Shiva Period
Like all other Jewish mourning rituals, the Shiva takes place
within the context of the community. Prayers are recited and
throughout the Shiva period friends and family visit to offer
support and condolences. The paradox of the Shiva is that while
the family can withdraw from the community, the community cannot
withdraw from the family. This reminds the mourner that others
truly care.
The Shiva Visit
If you are not certain what to say-be silent. Your presence
and support mean more than you know.
Be there. There are no words to take away the grief, sometimes
it's best just to listen. Your presence and acceptance is sometimes
more important than your advice.
Allow the mourners the opportunity to express their grief.
Share your feelings. Do not hesitate to talk about the deceased,
whose memory is very much alive in the hearts and minds of loved
ones.
Demonstrate your affection.
Show your acceptance. By accepting the mourner's behavior without
passing judgment, you will communicate that you care about them
unconditionally.
Offer help. Grief can make daily living a burden. During and
following Shiva, you can assist by providing meals, organizing
a minivan, car pooling, grocery shopping or helping the mourner
seek legal advice. Help them but allow them to remain in charge
of their lives.
Be Patient. Grief is a process of adapting to change rather
than recovering. Be patient in allowing relatives or friends
to "get over" their grief after Shiva. Remember, your
patience and compassion will make a difference in their healing
process.
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